Nature Boy

 "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

I want to love and to be loved. 

Polyamory makes sense to me. When I'm happy in my relationship(s), I want more loves in my life; when I am unhappy in my relationship(s), I don't seek out others to make up for the unhappiness, I retreat inwards.

My first 'love' was an accident. I hadn't realised until it ended that I loved him. I didn't mean for it to happen and I never said as much. 

We knew our time was limited. I was happy with what we had; I enjoyed hearing and talking about his partners. I didn't have the time or energy to see anyone else - I was severely overworked, underpaid, and looking forward to a fresh start in a new country.

I was leaving. We both knew it. Yet, when it ended, I was the one left broken-hearted. More so, I was without someone I had grown to believe was a friend. Set aside, forgotten.

My second love, I saw it coming early on. I knew I could grow to love him, that it would be easy to love him. And it was. But polyamory didn't make sense to him. We talked about it and we agreed we wanted to at least try. 

Don't ask, don't tell - it was implied, not explicit. I couldn't share that side of me with him. I wanted him to be happy with me, for me. I wanted to be happy for him too. 

We fell in love. I loved being in love with him. I enjoyed dating other people but I hadn't found the same connection with anyone else as with him. Our differences were outweighed by our connection. Until they weren't. 

I noticed the change. Possibly the moment the change happened even. But I didn't dare ask. I was afraid of what asking would start. Questions about our future. Questions I didn't have answers for. Questions I didn't think he could answer either. But not asking hurt us both, possibly more than it would have if we had talked sooner.

We suffered in silence until we couldn't suffer anymore. Then we knew (or thought?) what we needed to do, but we didn't have the strength. So we dragged it on further. We avoided the topic, tried to enjoy our time together, an unknown timer counting down our days, minutes, seconds remaining.

Finally, the questions we needed to ask: living together, children, polyamory. I pushed it. I knew he wasn't happy - he couldn't be happy with the relationship I want. It was easier to end it then, rather than wait for more heartbreak. The longer it takes, the more it would hurt.

I had been grieving the end for 5 months. I thought I was okay. Sad, but okay. I thought I wouldn't miss him as much as I did. I thought I didn't love him still as much as I had. Thought I could move on and one day we could be friends again. I was wrong.

Anniversaries of grief and joy passed but I couldn't share them with him. Only 2 months gone and my thoughts were constantly with him. A new relationship lacking spark. Fun, kind, but hollow.

Christmas reminded me of the previous year: the gifts we shared with each other, the gifts he gave to my family. My love for his and his for mine. Then the message. The pain I felt at his absence. The joy I felt from his presence.

The makeup: the hope, the joy, the love.

The letdown: the pain, the tears, the shame.

The numbness and nothingness. The confusion and frustration. 

I don't know how I feel anymore because I can't feel anything. Sometimes sadness but mostly nothing. And anyone seeking my love suffers along with me.

Feelings I had before have been muted. I don't know if they are still there - maybe they have been erased. 

Is it too late to mend it? To fix what we had? 

Maybe it will just hurt all over again.

My Body Is Not A Wonderland

Constantly sick. Codeine benefits me; makes me feel better, if for a little while.

No song here, just utter frustration and apathy. Which is ironic. Or paradoxical. Paradoxal? Whichever.

Blahblahblahblahblah.

Wordswordswords.

Stuffandthings.

Good Day

"Hey, it's been a lovely day everything is going my way. I had so much fun today and I'm on fire."

So today, as you can probably tell, has been a pretty good day. 

On Wednesday I had a not so good day. I missed my bus by about thirty seconds (it was at the stop whilst I was at the lights waiting for them to go green so I could cross) which meant I would have to catch the on-time train instead of the early train, which was fine but then the second bus was late, which meant I missed my on-time train by literally ten seconds. There I was, three steps from being on the platform, having run to try and catch the train and it began to pull away. 

It's safe to say I was not in the best of moods on Wednesday.

Thursday was pretty good.

On Friday I didn't start work until late, which meant I was able to sleep in, do some laundry and prepare all my food and belongings for my stay at my lovely's house with her very special kitty. And by very special I mean adorable but so annoying when you're trying to have a shower and she's trying to invade on your privacy. But then she makes up for it by slipping in the water on the floor. I think that was yesterday, not today.

Today I woke up early (7am but I didn't get up until about 7:30), had breakfast with Lovely and her mother and then was dropped home by the aforementioned Lovely's mother. Afterwards my father came by and took me driving for an hour and a half. It was fun. He didn't have to hold on for dear life and we had a pretty decent chill-bang as we drove. He even managed to put exactly $30.00 of fuel into the car, which I found quite amusing. I have pics, it did happen. Link in the doobly-doo. (There is no "doobly-doo" so the words "doobly-doo" will be the link.)

After I came home from driving, my housemate and I (I only have one now, the other has moved out!) decided we should re-arrange the furniture and I should purchase myself a computer desk which matches the themes of most of our furniture. Unfortunately it was not in stock so I will order one tomorrow when I go to the shopping centre with his girlfriend. 

So all in all, it has been a productive weekend. The house is marginally cleaner than it has been for the last few weeks, I have now driven my car, tomorrow I will have it officially put into my name and hopefully I will have a desk ordered and on it's way within three weeks. 

I'm feeling pretty good. Kind of a shame for my blog in that case, I have nothing interesting to say when I'm in a good mood. I don't need to be all cryptic and weird. Just weird. 

I may play a little L4D now. Or maybe have an awesomely long hot shower because I love my shower and can't stand weak, pisly ones. You know what I'm talking about. 

Who You Are

"Tears don't mean you're losing; everybody's bruising... It's okay not to be okay... Just be true to who you are."

Sometimes I wonder. "Do things have to be this hard?" 

...I wonder. And sometimes that's all I can think.

Blame is placed, forgiveness is passed aside and grudges remain. Painful, bitter, dark and heavy. They weigh you down. They make you wish you could curl up on yourself and ignore the world. 

Do things really have to be this hard?

I know the answer is "no". Things could be so much easier. I could forgive, I could forget. I could let go and open up. But for some reason, I won't let myself do any of that. And it kills what's left of me that little bit more each time I think. 

Each time I realise. 

People lie. And lie and lie and lie... And it always hurts. 

I know they do it and yet every time I discover another lie I feel that little bit more crushed. Weighed down by the past, the wrongs, the hurt. I hate it. I hate the blame, the lies, the grudges, the everything. 

What does it take to change it all? Can someone please tell me; what does it take?

I wish I could cry but whenever I feel sad I just can't. It's as though my true sadness only shines through when I laugh. When I'm in my momentary zones of happy or enjoyment - that's when I really tear up. Is there a reason for it? Does it hurt so much to be happy, to feel anything other than hurt that it saddens me?

Miracle

"I won't let you; let you give up on a miracle when it might save you."

"We'll get it right this time."Maybe that's what I'm holding out for. Something that is right. I can't ever seem to decide what is right. Why am I so indecisive? So hesitant to make a choice when all I want is to let go - to be spontaneous and enjoy myself. 

Perhaps, perhaps. Maybe so, maybe no.

It's all I have now. And I'm afraid it's all I will ever have though I want more.

I may be moving shortly. I've put an application in for a new house with a small group of people whom are near complete strangers to me. I met with Lauren - one of my would-be housemates - on Saturday. She is a lovely girl. Fun, cute, talkative, small. It could be fantastic. The house is lovely and large, with a nice backyard and patio. It seems like a great place. I think I may be happy but I can't really be certain. It's hard to tell sometimes. 

Like the warmth of my hot water bottle spreading through me. Does it fade away as the hours pass or will it stay with me? Time will tell. 

Goodnight.

Little Lion Man

"But it was not your fault, but mine. And it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?"

So our modem has not been working for the past two weeks almost now, I believe it is. So what have I done to remedy this? I have gone and bought myself a little netbook to leech internet from unsuspecting corporations such as McDonalds (and probably now Subway if the supposed password holds). 

I seem to have become addicted to a Scrabble app on my iPhone, courtesy of Courtenay. It seems to have used up all of my monthly downloads on my mobile which is only about 250MB, none the less, it leaves me disappointed and I feel I should increase my monthly download limit just so i can continue to play this game. It is great. =D

I'm about to have a quad-shot Oreo McFlurry. Nom.

Not much to talk about now. Work is going well though I did take today off as my back has figuratively been killing me the last couple days. I saw a doctor this evening and he prescribed me some Panadine with Codine to relieve the pain as well as my regular excersises. It seems to have helped a little but I can still feel the pain chewing on my back.

I found Nicole's ring under my sofa cushion the other day and have been wearing it on and off the last few days. I like it, it's nice and simple. I'm considering keeping it - or getting my own. =P

I'm kind of super hungry now even though I had a few bites of a burger Jack made for dinner and an apple. My hunger is particularly bad because I'm sitting outside MacDonalds. The temptation to buy their gross food is imense. Blargh.

So, I'm finishing this here to play in the playground. Blame it on Jack, but this is where it ends. Disappointment ensues as I realise they lock the playground gates at this time of night. Oh well. I'll finish up anyway, grab a McFlurry and go home.

Goodnight.

The New Year

"So, this is the new year and I don't feel any different."

This (being the title and the quote) is the start of a blog I intended to write a long time ago. Perhaps a couple days after the new year started. In the grand scheme of things, it's not really a long time ago, it's only a couple weeks but things change quickly and in the time it takes to write a few blog posts, a lot can happen.

Unfortunately for me though, not a whole lot has happened. Things remain ever the same. Though I have completed my training through work and am now a level higher in what I do things are still pretty much the same.
I've taken today off work as my ears are hurting - the ear canals or whatever they may be. A kind of pulsating pain, ebbing and rising when I least expect it. It's not pleasant - I have a doctors' appointment in about two hours to have my ears checked.

I have an Evanescence song in my head now. It has been a very long time since I have listened to Evanescence - longer than a few weeks. Perhaps a year or so. I think I may listen to them a little today but mostly I want to limit the amount of sound depositing into my ears - perhaps it will help the pain, along with a couple Panadol pills perhaps and some sleep. My head isn't feeling all that great either.

Sometimes I wonder; why do I write, why do I sing, why do I do anything at all? I don't do it for anyone else but myself - my actions are predominantly selfish. So what am I doing? What am I wasting my time on? I really should be doing something more productive... But I probably won't, will I?