Saturday, April 30, 2011

Who You Are

"Tears don't mean you're losing; everybody's bruising... It's okay not to be okay... Just be true to who you are."

Sometimes I wonder. "Do things have to be this hard?" 

...I wonder. And sometimes that's all I can think.

Blame is placed, forgiveness is passed aside and grudges remain. Painful, bitter, dark and heavy. They weigh you down. They make you wish you could curl up on yourself and ignore the world. 

Do things really have to be this hard?

I know the answer is "no". Things could be so much easier. I could forgive, I could forget. I could let go and open up. But for some reason, I won't let myself do any of that. And it kills what's left of me that little bit more each time I think. 

Each time I realise. 

People lie. And lie and lie and lie... And it always hurts. 

I know they do it and yet every time I discover another lie I feel that little bit more crushed. Weighed down by the past, the wrongs, the hurt. I hate it. I hate the blame, the lies, the grudges, the everything. 

What does it take to change it all? Can someone please tell me; what does it take?

I wish I could cry but whenever I feel sad I just can't. It's as though my true sadness only shines through when I laugh. When I'm in my momentary zones of happy or enjoyment - that's when I really tear up. Is there a reason for it? Does it hurt so much to be happy, to feel anything other than hurt that it saddens me?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Miracle

"I won't let you; let you give up on a miracle when it might save you."

"We'll get it right this time."Maybe that's what I'm holding out for. Something that is right. I can't ever seem to decide what is right. Why am I so indecisive? So hesitant to make a choice when all I want is to let go - to be spontaneous and enjoy myself. 

Perhaps, perhaps. Maybe so, maybe no.

It's all I have now. And I'm afraid it's all I will ever have though I want more.

I may be moving shortly. I've put an application in for a new house with a small group of people whom are near complete strangers to me. I met with Lauren - one of my would-be housemates - on Saturday. She is a lovely girl. Fun, cute, talkative, small. It could be fantastic. The house is lovely and large, with a nice backyard and patio. It seems like a great place. I think I may be happy but I can't really be certain. It's hard to tell sometimes. 

Like the warmth of my hot water bottle spreading through me. Does it fade away as the hours pass or will it stay with me? Time will tell. 

Goodnight.