Wednesday, January 4, 2012

My Body Is Not A Wonderland

Constantly sick. Codeine benefits me; makes me feel better, if for a little while.

No song here, just utter frustration and apathy. Which is ironic. Or paradoxical. Paradoxal? Whichever.

Blahblahblahblahblah.

Wordswordswords.

Stuffandthings.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Good Day

"Hey, it's been a lovely day everything is going my way. I had so much fun today and I'm on fire."

So today, as you can probably tell, has been a pretty good day. 

On Wednesday I had a not so good day. I missed my bus by about thirty seconds (it was at the stop whilst I was at the lights waiting for them to go green so I could cross) which meant I would have to catch the on-time train instead of the early train, which was fine but then the second bus was late, which meant I missed my on-time train by literally ten seconds. There I was, three steps from being on the platform, having run to try and catch the train and it began to pull away. 

It's safe to say I was not in the best of moods on Wednesday.

Thursday was pretty good.

On Friday I didn't start work until late, which meant I was able to sleep in, do some laundry and prepare all my food and belongings for my stay at my lovely's house with her very special kitty. And by very special I mean adorable but so annoying when you're trying to have a shower and she's trying to invade on your privacy. But then she makes up for it by slipping in the water on the floor. I think that was yesterday, not today.

Today I woke up early (7am but I didn't get up until about 7:30), had breakfast with Lovely and her mother and then was dropped home by the aforementioned Lovely's mother. Afterwards my father came by and took me driving for an hour and a half. It was fun. He didn't have to hold on for dear life and we had a pretty decent chill-bang as we drove. He even managed to put exactly $30.00 of fuel into the car, which I found quite amusing. I have pics, it did happen. Link in the doobly-doo. (There is no "doobly-doo" so the words "doobly-doo" will be the link.)

After I came home from driving, my housemate and I (I only have one now, the other has moved out!) decided we should re-arrange the furniture and I should purchase myself a computer desk which matches the themes of most of our furniture. Unfortunately it was not in stock so I will order one tomorrow when I go to the shopping centre with his girlfriend. 

So all in all, it has been a productive weekend. The house is marginally cleaner than it has been for the last few weeks, I have now driven my car, tomorrow I will have it officially put into my name and hopefully I will have a desk ordered and on it's way within three weeks. 

I'm feeling pretty good. Kind of a shame for my blog in that case, I have nothing interesting to say when I'm in a good mood. I don't need to be all cryptic and weird. Just weird. 

I may play a little L4D now. Or maybe have an awesomely long hot shower because I love my shower and can't stand weak, pisly ones. You know what I'm talking about. 

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Who You Are

"Tears don't mean you're losing; everybody's bruising... It's okay not to be okay... Just be true to who you are."

Sometimes I wonder. "Do things have to be this hard?" 

...I wonder. And sometimes that's all I can think.

Blame is placed, forgiveness is passed aside and grudges remain. Painful, bitter, dark and heavy. They weigh you down. They make you wish you could curl up on yourself and ignore the world. 

Do things really have to be this hard?

I know the answer is "no". Things could be so much easier. I could forgive, I could forget. I could let go and open up. But for some reason, I won't let myself do any of that. And it kills what's left of me that little bit more each time I think. 

Each time I realise. 

People lie. And lie and lie and lie... And it always hurts. 

I know they do it and yet every time I discover another lie I feel that little bit more crushed. Weighed down by the past, the wrongs, the hurt. I hate it. I hate the blame, the lies, the grudges, the everything. 

What does it take to change it all? Can someone please tell me; what does it take?

I wish I could cry but whenever I feel sad I just can't. It's as though my true sadness only shines through when I laugh. When I'm in my momentary zones of happy or enjoyment - that's when I really tear up. Is there a reason for it? Does it hurt so much to be happy, to feel anything other than hurt that it saddens me?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Miracle

"I won't let you; let you give up on a miracle when it might save you."

"We'll get it right this time."Maybe that's what I'm holding out for. Something that is right. I can't ever seem to decide what is right. Why am I so indecisive? So hesitant to make a choice when all I want is to let go - to be spontaneous and enjoy myself. 

Perhaps, perhaps. Maybe so, maybe no.

It's all I have now. And I'm afraid it's all I will ever have though I want more.

I may be moving shortly. I've put an application in for a new house with a small group of people whom are near complete strangers to me. I met with Lauren - one of my would-be housemates - on Saturday. She is a lovely girl. Fun, cute, talkative, small. It could be fantastic. The house is lovely and large, with a nice backyard and patio. It seems like a great place. I think I may be happy but I can't really be certain. It's hard to tell sometimes. 

Like the warmth of my hot water bottle spreading through me. Does it fade away as the hours pass or will it stay with me? Time will tell. 

Goodnight.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Little Lion Man

"But it was not your fault, but mine. And it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?"

So our modem has not been working for the past two weeks almost now, I believe it is. So what have I done to remedy this? I have gone and bought myself a little netbook to leech internet from unsuspecting corporations such as McDonalds (and probably now Subway if the supposed password holds). 

I seem to have become addicted to a Scrabble app on my iPhone, courtesy of Courtenay. It seems to have used up all of my monthly downloads on my mobile which is only about 250MB, none the less, it leaves me disappointed and I feel I should increase my monthly download limit just so i can continue to play this game. It is great. =D

I'm about to have a quad-shot Oreo McFlurry. Nom.

Not much to talk about now. Work is going well though I did take today off as my back has figuratively been killing me the last couple days. I saw a doctor this evening and he prescribed me some Panadine with Codine to relieve the pain as well as my regular excersises. It seems to have helped a little but I can still feel the pain chewing on my back.

I found Nicole's ring under my sofa cushion the other day and have been wearing it on and off the last few days. I like it, it's nice and simple. I'm considering keeping it - or getting my own. =P

I'm kind of super hungry now even though I had a few bites of a burger Jack made for dinner and an apple. My hunger is particularly bad because I'm sitting outside MacDonalds. The temptation to buy their gross food is imense. Blargh.

So, I'm finishing this here to play in the playground. Blame it on Jack, but this is where it ends. Disappointment ensues as I realise they lock the playground gates at this time of night. Oh well. I'll finish up anyway, grab a McFlurry and go home.

Goodnight.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The New Year

"So, this is the new year and I don't feel any different."

This (being the title and the quote) is the start of a blog I intended to write a long time ago. Perhaps a couple days after the new year started. In the grand scheme of things, it's not really a long time ago, it's only a couple weeks but things change quickly and in the time it takes to write a few blog posts, a lot can happen.

Unfortunately for me though, not a whole lot has happened. Things remain ever the same. Though I have completed my training through work and am now a level higher in what I do things are still pretty much the same.
I've taken today off work as my ears are hurting - the ear canals or whatever they may be. A kind of pulsating pain, ebbing and rising when I least expect it. It's not pleasant - I have a doctors' appointment in about two hours to have my ears checked.

I have an Evanescence song in my head now. It has been a very long time since I have listened to Evanescence - longer than a few weeks. Perhaps a year or so. I think I may listen to them a little today but mostly I want to limit the amount of sound depositing into my ears - perhaps it will help the pain, along with a couple Panadol pills perhaps and some sleep. My head isn't feeling all that great either.

Sometimes I wonder; why do I write, why do I sing, why do I do anything at all? I don't do it for anyone else but myself - my actions are predominantly selfish. So what am I doing? What am I wasting my time on? I really should be doing something more productive... But I probably won't, will I?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

All I Wanted

"And when the world treats you way too fairly, well it's a shame I'm a dream."

Speaking of dreams, I had a peculiar dream this morning where I was attempting to board a train but somehow managed to keep missing the trains. I boarded one train which went the wrong way and then met the guys from Tripod at a station when I departed the train. We then all attempted to board a few trains. When we finally managed to board a train heading in the correct direction I was awoken from my dream.

So anyway, Christmas has passed and I believe it is safe to say I was the best gift-giver of my family this year. I bought my father Nerf guns - amongst other things - for Christmas and we had quite a blast with them. We ganged up against my older sister and shot her, I snuck up on him whilst he was attempting to do the same to me and shot him in the back. We played Hungry, Hungry Hippos which was fabulous. 

I'm trying to rid my life of clutter - live more simply though spontaneously as well. I reactivated my Facebook account a couple days ago and I realised I spoke to barely a handful of people (and they, me) I have as friends on Facebook for the entire month my account was deactivated. What does this say about the people I consider friends? I guess I really don't form very meaningful relationships with people. I should work on that. I want to work on that but I don't think I really do want to. I don't want it enough to go out of my way, that's for sure.

So, this is my third post of the month. Obviously I haven't stuck to my "one post a day" goal. But that's fine by me. I really do not have enough to share with people to write on a daily basis. Once every week or so seems to be sufficient. If I happen to write more regularly than that, great!

I am yet to organise all my music. There is just so much of it. To be honest, I do not know where to start with it all - it's all pretty overwhelming. Perhaps I will just leave it as it is and allow the mess and disorganisation of my MP3's to rule my external hard drive. Eventually I will tidy it all up but for now... For now, I ignore it as best I can.

This is a very late post. I will finish it here and go to sleep. I have been very tired these last couple weeks. I have been feeling exhausted - luckily it doesn't seem to have effected my work. Just my focus and ability to function with everything else in life.